I HATE doctors with big sausage fingers!!!

I recently experienced a violation that I never thought I'd ever have the misfortune to experience.

Let me explain...

Earlier this week I went to my family doctor to talk about some digestive issues that I was having. I figured that I'd walk into the office, discuss what could be the cause of these problems, perhaps discuss possible tests I should have in order to rule out Cancer or other serious problems.

What I wasn't prepared for is my doctor saying "drop your pants and I'll have a look in your back end"!!! Boy, talk about an ice breaker! Now my doctor has probably the worst bedside manner of any doctor I've ever met (he would readily admit to this), so I've learned to expect him to say some unexpected things...but this just blew me away!

The next words out of his mouth were "drop your drawers, lay on your side and I'll go get my flashlight"! I felt like I was being put up on the hoist for some body work. So away he went to find his Mag Light or what ever the hell else he planned on torturing me with.

There I lay... pants around my ankles, bare-assed waiting for what seemed like hours for the doctor to come back do God knows what to me. Well... I wasn't sure what he was going to do, but I had an idea. If my pants weren't around my ankles, I would have bolted out of there like a stick of dynamite was up my ass. Which, for all I knew , is what my doctor had planned.

So finally, the doctor arrives and tells me he's going to have a look. He asks me how my kids are doing. As I said fine, I heard a high pitched squeal. I quickly realized it was me as he slid a long plastic tube into my nether-regions. He then proceeded to pump air into me like I was his inflatable date for the evening. After what seemed like an eternity of being prodded with this tube, and learning everything looked normal, he removed the tube and I breathed a sigh of relief... for a moment!

The next sensation I felt was a large, gloved finger being forcefully inserted into my arse end. If this wasn't bad enough, he inserted it so far, I figured he must be wearing a pair of those dish washing gloves. From the way he was searching around in there, I thought he must have lost his watch up there and was trying to get it back.

After the doctor finished sodomizing me, I waddled home with the lovely thought that my next test involves a barium enema! F*#k!!!

Apparently my blog has been causing some people to lose sleep over what I think of them. I find it rather funny that anyone would take what they percieve my opinions of them to be and get their panties in a bunch over them.

I also find it amusing that anyone in their right mind (sanity, or lack there of certainly comes into play here) would take my blog and believe that I am writing solely about them or to even think that I truely HATE people with the attributes I describe in my blog. I don't have the time nor the energy to hate anyone. If I did hate everyone who does the things described in this blog, I would most certainly hate myself because I've been guilty of doing some of the things that I describe in my blog. -- and by the way... I love myself!

If you read my blog and take offense to it, then you have a serious problem and should be on medication.

This is a satirical view of life.

To think that I am sitting at my computer fuming about all of the people in the world I hate is completely absurd. I may use some of the things people in my life do as an example of people's quirks, but that doesn't mean that they are the only ones who do it nor am I trying to single out a person and say to them "I HATE YOU!".

As for my sister-in-law, she went off the deep end when she read my blog. Rather than acting like a rational person and perhaps asking me about the blog, or taking it the way it was meant, she took every entry as a personal attack.

Sending out vicious emails (to people not involved in the writing of the blog), calling daddy and making his life more difficult, making nasty comments about her niece and nephew and posting nasty remarks online was her response to this percieved attack. Apparently a half assed appology for a single remark posted on my blog is supposed to "fix" everything.

This is what promped the "I love my sister-in-law" entries (she wanted a blog dedicated to her, so she got one). I will never apologise for the original blog entries as there was no malice intended when writing them (if you cannot laugh at yourself, then you are a sad, sad person).

As for the "sister-in-law" entries; If you can't handle people writing "nasty" thing about you, perhaps you should think twice before sending an email... besides, my blog was about why I love my sister-in-law. Can't you just feel the love?

So in closing, I will continue to find HATE in everything I do. If you don't want to read about stupid things people do, or you are going to take everything personally then you should just take a little trip to F#@*offityville and not read it!

I loooove my sister-in-law part deux

After receiving the warmest Christmas wishes from my sister-in-law, I believe that I should add to my list. I think I need to start at 22...

22. I love her because she is so pious that she believes that immaculate conception can happen to anyone. She has faith that a man (who is not God, but would like to be called by that name) can impregnate a woman sans intercourse. Oh how pious she is!

23. I love her because she takes the loss of family members so well, that after the loss of one, she works towards losing a second.

24. I love her because she is flat out FUN! She loves to socialize and have lots of fun. She has such a happy-go-lucky attitude.

25. I love her because she lives her own life. She would never let her ex-husband's happiness have an effect on her life. She surely wouldn't get pregnant a few weeks after hearing of the birth of her ex-husband's baby. She has nothing to prove to him.

26. I love her because she cares enough for me and about what I think to read my blog.

27. I love her because she cheers me up with her warm wishes of love.

28. I love her because she lives by the motto - DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO! It is good that she doesn't want to be treated as well as she treats others. I don't think it is possible to treat anyone so nicely.

29. I love her because she exemplifies the meaning of Christmas. The season is about giving, sharing and LOVE. I don't know anyone more loving and caring than she.

30. I love her because of her innocence. When she learned that Alberta was the "Land of Milk and Honey", she jumped at the opportunity to go there. I guess she was hungry and thirsty that day.

31. I love her because she is full of wit. She would never use vulgarities. When she is upset, she talks things out rationally and never lets things get out of hand.

Boy do I ever love my sister-in-law my next entry might just have to be -- I loooove my sister-in-law part troissss

I loooooove my sister in law.

I just thought I'd change the pace of my blog a little and wish my loving sister-in-law a great big Merry Christmas. Here is my new list for the day... Why I love my sister-in-law!

1. I love her because criticism of me is always constructive and when I point out the fact that her "man" is doing many of the things she, very constructively, criticizes me about, she takes it all in stride. I know that she just wants to help me become a better human being.

2. I love her because she ALWAYS treats everyone with respect. She is by far the most pleasant person I know.

3. I love her because she would NEVER overreact to any situation.

4. I love her because she uses email ever so responsibly. Never spamming and only sending her warmest wishes to everyone in her mailing list.

5. I love her because she is so loving toward her nieces and nephews. She would NEVER say anything negative about an innocent child.

6. I love her because she is considerate. When asked to place diapers in a bag and put them in the outside garbage, she does it without hesitation. When politely asked to stop spamming a person's mail box, she is only happy to oblige.

7. I love her because she would never use someone's death as a weapon. She would never bring up something that a person who has passed away may have said that would be hurtful because it may have been taken out of context and no-one would be able to discuss with that person what was said and why. She knows that a person's death is hard on everyone involved and she'd never make things worse.

8. I love her because she has a great imagination. She is able to take reality and make it suit whatever needs she has at the time, what a wonderful quality.

9. I love her because she is always right. I never met someone who was always right before I met her. Now without a doubt, I can live a full life.

10. I love her because she sees herself in everything -- she is every woman. I can make a post (about babies for instance) in which 2 of the 22 comments may be directed solely at her and she sees herself in every single comment.

11. I love her because she has a fantastic memory. If there is anything in your past that you forgot (or would like to forget), she'll bring it up and even add some of her imaginative twists to the story.

12. I love her because she has opinions about things and situations she knows nothing of (...I forgot, she knows everything). It is nice that she has taken such an interest in my family that she has only met in passing. It is interesting that she has such insight into my dealings with my family. I truly hope that I can learn something from these insights because they don't mirror reality in any way. Perhaps I need some mental help because it seems I have misconstrued many areas of my life.

13. I love her because she is a rock! She is a firm foundation that her family can lean upon when they need help.

14. I love her because she would never do or say anything that would hurt my feelings and believes that I should strive to do the same.

15. I love her because I don't have to tip-toe around her in the fear that I might send her into a ranting rage.

16. I love her because she knows everything that her sister went through during her first few years of university and she was (and continues to be) so supportive.

17. I love her because you can make jokes about her and she NEVER takes it personally.

18. I love her because she has the rosy belief that everyone thinks she is perfect (which , of course she is). As far as I am concerned, anyone who questions her judgement are assholes and deserve to have mean emails sent to them!

19. I love her because her judgement is beyond reproach.

20. I love her because she would never get upset with someone for something they had no part of. Above all, she is fair.

21. But most of all, I love her because she is truly kind. She puts everyone's needs above her own asks for nothing in return. They certainly broke the mould when she was created. She is one of a kind.

I hate strippers!!!

Actually, I am lying... I love strippers!

I hate Karaoke!!!

I really shouldn’t say that I hate all Karaoke, because that isn’t true. The truth is there are some types of people that perform Karaoke that I absolutely hate. If I could put a bouncing ball over the words to make it easier for all you Karaoke fans to read this post, I would, but I cannot so here goes…

• Karaoke is fun when not taken seriously. If you really think you are a great singer (which most Karaoke singers are not), Karaoke is not for you.
• When a person or people are trying to sing their song, they don’t need a drunken idiot who thinks he/she can sing grabbing another microphone and joining in (or taking the mic from them).
• Karaoke is not meant to be sung a cappella (vocal music or singing without instrumental accompaniment, I figured I’d dumb it down a bit for anyone reading this that likes to take mini-vans mud-bogging --not the most intelligent people--). There is a reason that there is music on the CD’s as well as words on the screen.
• Karaoke is not an open mic comedy hour. Just because you have a mic in your hand, doesn’t mean it is time to showcase your comedic talents (or lack there of).
• When there is a group of people doing Karaoke, it is important not to be the one singing every song. You can only stand to hear a person butcher so many songs.
• Being a white guy with no fashion sense and a mic in your hand does not make you Eminem!
• Knowing the words to a song doesn’t mean you can sing it well (or rap it, in the case of Eminem).
• Boy band music should only be sung jokingly or by young teenagers. Grown men singing boy band music is really creepy (it is called “boy band” music, not “balding, tubby, Michael Jackson wannabe, grown man band” music).
• Country music should only be sung when intoxicated because that is the only way it sounds even a little bit good.

That is all for today folks. I'm sure that I will have more hate to post soon. Until then... f%$# off. :o)

Babies… The Sequel!



Did I ever mention that I hate people with babies? Well, I do!!!



In my previous post, I outlined 14 reasons why I hate people with babies. Clearly, this was not an exhaustive list, so I thought I’d add a few more to the list…



Let’s start at 15.

15. If your baby is thirsty, for Christ’s sake, give the baby a drink! Do not however, hand the child a bottle or sippy cup and let him run around MY house throwing it on MY floor (denting the floor and spilling milk everywhere).

16. Speaking of feeding your baby… Why in the hell would anyone attempt to feed their baby mushy baby food while the baby is running around the house (or even in their crib)? Do people really believe that they will get more food in the baby’s mouth then on the floor, clothes, walls, tables, furniture, etc.?

17. If you are at my house and you wish to change your baby’s diaper, the best place to do this is in the bathroom. NOT on my couch (or kitchen table…gross) with a tiny pad under the child (or no pad at all) that any “accidents” will just flow right onto the couch.

18. As for dirty diapers, it should be obvious that they shouldn’t be thrown just anywhere. I cannot stand people coming into my house and dropping dirty diapers in the kitchen or bathroom garbage cans or even leaving them on my basement floor! I would prefer that my house not smell like dirty diapers, so perhaps placing the diaper in a bag and dropping it in the trash outside would be something that a non-idiot would do (especially after specifically being asked to do so).

19. When dressing or carrying your baby, it would be prudent NOT to bang his/her head on tables, floors, walls, etc.

20. Throwing your baby up in the air and shaking it about violently may seem like a fun idea, to those parents who have their heads so far up their asses that they have not heard of Shaken Baby Syndrome.

21. When a baby smells like sour milk and piss, it is time to clean that baby.

22. Baby talk, baby talk, baby talk!!! I said it before, but it is too important to let lie. How is your baby ever going to learn to speak properly if you call a “bottle” a BaBa? Baby talk should only be spoken by babies, and only until they can actually speak properly! Would it be cute if your 17 year old was asking for a BaBa or telling you that he has to have a WeeWee?




Well, that is all for today. I think my next topic just may have to be Karaoke.

People really do suck! And if you haven’t figured it out by now… I hate them. Since I have already discussed my hatred for people asking stupid IT questions, I might as well discuss people working in the so-called “Humanities”.

I HATE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

Don’t get me wrong, some social programs are necessary and are very beneficial to the clients that are served by these programs. The problem is that many people managing these programs fall into 1 of 2 categories:

1. Bleeding hearts that think they can change the world;
2. And those who don’t care one bit about the clients and are just working for the money (not that the money is very good) and the recognition (they are providing such a wooooonderful public service – can you detect a note of sarcasm here?).

The sad fact is that I hate both types of people equally.

Sometimes I think that the Bleeding heartS (I’ll call them BS for short because that seems to be what is blinding them from the truth) are the worst because they actually think they can change the world (those foolish, foolish people). They then go about managing their little not-for-profit group with blinders on thinking they are making a difference… and I’m sure they are, in some cases. What about those people who abuse the system? I have been witness to people doing this every day. They prey on the sympathies of BS and profit from these sympathies. Many BS (remember BS stands for Bleeding heartS) are also members of religious groups (surprise, surprise) whose beliefs cloud the judgements of otherwise sensible people. A good example of BS having S (you can probably guess what the S stands for… and no! It is not heartS) in their eyes lives across the street from me. There is a home across the street from my home that is low-rent housing for abused women and their children. In this home, a woman and her children are living on welfare while their “abuser” and father who according to a neighbour makes $500/week lives at the “shelter” with them. After many nights of putting up with the fighting and cursing coming from the afore mentioned house, a call was made to the landlady of the house; A church group that is trying to help abused women get back on their feet. The response that was received from the landlady was quite surprising… “He does not live at the house. It is against the rules”. When the landlady was again told that he IS in fact living in the house, her response was… “Well, there are no throw away families”. I’m sure that she’d change her tune if she lived across the street from the yahoos. Talk about being full of S! Does she really think that she is helping the Huxtables? I’ll call them the Huxtables because that is who they remind me of… only they are the Huxtables from Hell! Right now we have

• Cliff – the abusive, crass loud-mouth that pretends not to live in the house
• Claire – The even crasser (not classier), even louder mouthed “lady” that draws a welfare cheque while Cliff works.
• 2 Theos
  Theo#1 – The older son who loves to break things and beat up children 4 years younger than him (of course they are probably in the same grade because the kid is so damn stupid).
  Theo#2 – A carbon copy of Theo#1 only a couple years younger.
  

The low-income housing that the Huxtables live in has another rule regarding children. When the children turn 18, Claire (Cliff, of course is not living there according to the landlady) and the Theos are supposed to move out so that the rental can be given to another person in need. Because of this rule, Claire is planning to get pregnant –maybe they can have a little Vanessa or Rudy-- again so that she and Cliff can continue to abuse the system. It sure sounds like the BS (I am not repeating what BS stands for again! If you don’t know, read the damn thing again and pay attention this time) are helping this poor needy family through a crisis.

Wait a minute… NO IT DOESN’T!!! These people are taking away resources that could be used to help people who are actually in crisis situations. Why is it that the abusers get the help while the ones who really need the help do not get it? I guess the truly needy people are the “throw away people”.

Those that are in the business of “helping people” for the money and/or the recognition are called ASS for short. What does ASS stand for? Well… it stands for ASS. Need I say more? The ASS takes credit for the good things that people that work for him do while constantly disrespecting the people who do this work. They assume that they know everything about their “clients” even though they never spend time with them, and spend government money on things for which that money is not meant. A good example of this occurs daily in the mental health industry. The government pays for clients to have one-on-one support and these one-on-one workers end up with 10 different clients at once. If you know fractions at all, and I know that artsy, humanitarian types have problems with this… that is ten-on-one.

I know that the job market is flooded with people with Arts degrees (hell, I have one), but that doesn’t mean you should treat your staff like crap… just because you can find someone else to do the job. What about taking advantage of the clients? Why should their one-on-one time be eaten up by other clients? The answer to that is… they can’t tell anyone. Neither can the staff member for fear that they might lose their job. So the ASSes get to sit on their throne and s#!t all over the rest of the clients and staff while everyone tells them that their s#!t smells like roses (you might wonder what everyone is doing inside the ASSes’ throne… It is actually a metaphorical throne, not a porcelain one)!

The funny part of this whole situation is that the BS kiss the ASSes and that is what allows this whole process to continue.

Well, that’s all for now. I’m sure that I’ll have more to say about social services in the future as I feel such disdain for them.

As some of you know, I work in the IT industry. This seemed like a good career choice when I left my job working in the “Humanities” because I hated people so much. I figured that if I worked with computers, I wouldn’t have to deal with the stupidity that I dealt with working in the mental health field (which I’m sure I will discuss at a later date). Boy was I wrong!!!

I HATE STUPID QUESTIONS!!!

Some people say that there are no stupid questions. I disagree! I hear them every day.

One of the problems I had when I first began working in this industry is I tended to assume that people were not idiots. I would then spend countless hours working on their problems when the solution was very simple.

One prime example of this was the day I was told that the sound wasn’t working on one of the PCs in the building. Bear in mind that it is not my job to troubleshoot such problems, but since I am close by, I get called often. I was told that the sound just stopped working. After 3 hours of troubleshooting and re-installing software, I came to find out that someone was running wires under the desk the day that the sound stopped working. When I looked under the desk (which was entirely enclosed, which is why I did not check this first), sure enough… the speakers were unplugged!

Another example of pure stupidity that I have run into in my years in IT occurred on a cloudy day. The Bat Signal shone brightly on the dark clouds in the sky. I immediately sprang into action! Grabbing my handy, dandy tool belt on the way out of my office, I arrived at a startling scene. My co-worker’s laptop was not working and he couldn’t figure out how to fix it. I quickly took my trusty index finger and pressed the power on button and viola! I guess that is why I get paid the big bucks.

I am not entirely sure why I get asked so many stupid questions. I guess, to many people, computers are mysterious boxes that are far too complex for ordinary people to figure out. I can understand why people who I work with call my department instead of phoning technical support (we respond faster and the problems tend to get fixed more quickly by our group). There are, however, a few things that people having computer problems should do before calling the IT group.

1. Check to see if the computer is plugged in. The plug is the 3 pronged thingy that fits in the “holes” in the wall.
2. All devices must be plugged into the computer and some also have to be plugged into the “holes” (an “outlet” for those of you who didn’t spend their time at a college whose main pitch for perspective students is… “If you pay us $10,000 per year, you get a ‘free’ $400 computer”). Wireless devices require a wireless receiver.
3. Press the POWER button to turn the computer on. A laptop doesn’t turn on by putting up the screen.
4. Pouring coffee, water or any other liquid on your keyboard is not recommended.
5. For Christ’s sake get a virus scan and adware scanner, update and scan your computer at least weekly.
6. The last piece of advice that I have to give to you is a carefully guarded IT secret. Revealing this is like a magician revealing the secrets to his tricks. Helpdesk staffs everywhere are going to want my head on a pole for revealing this to you… If you have a problem with your PC, try rebooting it. That is what the techie is going to try first before he hands you a bill for $100 for his/her (wouldn’t want to be sexist) services. Maybe those techies aren’t as stupid as I tend to think they are.

Following these steps will help you save time, money and may prevent the IT staff from making fun of you (both to your face – my personal favourite, and behind your back).

Another thing I hear a lot from stupid people is… “My computer at home is making a Rooowwwwrrrrrrr sound. How do I fix it?”

My answer… “Take it to a computer shop and pay them some $$$ to find out”.

Or how about… “I got an error on my computer and I don’t remember what it said, but I was surfing the web when it happened. Do you know what the problem could be?”

My answer… “Nope”

The final thing that you should remember when talking to IT staff or anyone else for that matter is; if you start a sentence with “This might be a stupid question…”, then it probably is and perhaps you shouldn’t ask it.

Yes, it has been a while since my last post. But fear not, I have not lost my hatred for people. In fact, I think my hatred has grown since my last post.

I HATE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS!!!

Maybe I should re-phrase that; I don't hate all construction workers. I actually like the one out of ten who works. Have you ever been to a construction site (they are working on the roads in my neighbourhood this summer, so I certainly have)? Isn't it interesting that it takes one person to do all of the work and 10 people to supervise? Or maybe those "supervisors" are actually trying to tamp down the ground by leaning really hard on their rakes as they have a smoke.

I also find it funny that a company can dig the crap out of a highway and leave it that way for the weekend. Without fencing around any holes (as if a couple of pylons and some ribbon creates a magical barrier that will prevent an 8 year old from falling into a hole), and without re-paving the road. But I guess it is OK to stand around and watch others work as long as you dig up your quota of 2 feet of road per day and replace it with lovely gravel that will be filled with potholes by the next day.

How about flaggers... I know that flaggers are not, in general, rocket scientists. But how difficult can it be to turn a sign. I have actually sat in traffic for 30 minutes waiting for a flagger to turn a sign while cars are coming the other way and when the flagger turned that lovely sign, he/she (don't want to reveal too much about the moron) let the cars go for about 5 minutes and stopped them again so cars could come the other way. Is it really that difficult to give the idiot a watch? Maybe one with a timer so that on heavy traffic days, they can allow cars to go for equal amounts of time.

Road workers also have a habit of storing their crap wherever they want to. I think that the next time I find piping or a culvert in my front yard, I will roll it into the woods. It was left in my yard, so it must be mine! What about their machinery? There are tractors and heavy equipment parked all over my neighborhood. I should take one for a joy ride. Maybe dig a few holes. I am sure that I can get more done in a couple of hours than these road workers can. I am not saying it will be done right, but I'm sure that they shouldn't make that claim either.

Today, on my way to work, I noticed that there was no-one working on the road. It was raining this morning, so I guess the workers took a "bad weather" day. I really wouldn't want them to stand out in the rain, they might actually get a little clean. And we wouldn't want any of them to end up with a frizzy mullet.

Religion... what a touchy subject...

I HATE RELIGIOUS ZEALOTS!

Bear in mind that there is a difference between a religious person and a religious zealot. I think everyone should be able to worship or not worship in whatever way they see fit as long as their worship doesn't include criticizing others for not being a pious as themselves. Isn't pride one of the deadly sins?

Pride is defined on Dictionary.com as a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

It seems to me that people who push their religion on you or criticize your beliefs, or lack of beliefs is exemplifying pride. And they try to tell me I am going to Hell!

Why, pray tell, am I destined to burn? Is it because I had pre-marital sex... alot. Or maybe because the last time I was in a church, I had un-pure thoughts about my neighbour's wife... What can I say? I coveted. Could it even be as simple as the fact that I was baptised as a Roman Catholic and the Mormons are right?!?

When it comes down to it, religions are some of the most non-inclusive, judgemental people on the face of the Earth. How many wars have been fought in the name of so-called peaceful religions attempting to convert or rid themselves of blasphemers? How often do people use religion as a excuse for violence or prejudice?

Don't get me wrong, I think religion has it's place. I just wish there was a religion out there (maybe there is, if you know of one, let me know) that has all of the good points of religion and none of the bad. Who cares if homosexuals get married or for that matter, do whatever they want to do in the bedroom? How does that affect my life? What about abortion. It is interesting that we recently had a religious group come to town to protest at the local abortion clinic. As my wife and 10 year old son drove past the group, they were forced to look at 4 foot pictures of dismembered late term fetuses. My wife couldn't look away because she was driving and my son was in the back seat, so she couldn't cover his eyes. How is it that a group of people can do these types of things in the name of a "loving God"?

One of the funniest things I have heard of in recent years is the idea of missionaries. I used to think that a missionary was a person who went to a foreign country to do aide work while spreading the teachings of their church to whoever will listen. These people do good work and help others who are less fortunate. Who does a couple of 19 year olds from Colorado coming to my door to ask me if I love Jesus help? Am I in such bad straits that I need missionaries coming to help me? I guess they would argue that my soul is in need of help. Maybe they are right, but I don't think that a couple of brainwashed teenagers are going to help me with that.

Oh well, I know that not all religious people out there are the same (which is why I want to make it clear that it is the outspoken, closed minded ones that I am referring to), but you cannot deny that in judging others, you are exhibiting pride -- one of the 7 deadly sins. I have lots more I could say on the subject, but I would probably end up causing riots like that Danish newspaper.

So I guess when I die, I am going to burn but at least I'll have lots of interesting company like all of the other heathens and members of all the religions in the world that were wrong!

I HATE SPAM!!!

And no, I am not talking about the salty luncheon meat made out of the parts of the pig that they wouldn't even put in dog food. I am talking about email spam.

Although all of the genitalia enlargement and pharmacy commercial emails are annoying, the ones I hate the most are all the FW:FW:FW emails coming from so-called friends (idiots) and family (idiots) that are supposed to be cute or funny or inspirational.

These morons add your email to the hundred others they have in their address book on their computer and simply forward the garbage on to you. They then get upset when you ask them to stop sending you all the crap that you are just going to delete.

Although receiving these unwanted emails is annoying and takes up alot of mail box space, there are far worse things going on in the background that all of the idiots sending this trash don't realize is going on.

Every email you FW: to your friends contains all of the email addresses of everyone that has been forwarded this email previously (unless you remove them). Then every one who receives the garbage and forwards it on will add to the amount of email addresses in the list. Eventually, your email has been spread all over the world because some moron decided to send you some email about kittens or loving yourself.

It should be obvious to anyone with more than one brain cell in their tiny little heads that if people all over the world have your email address, you are more likely to get tons of those annoying drug store, stock quotes, porn or penis enlargement emails from companies that profit from sending out spam. Who do you really think starts most of these FW:FW:FW emails anyway? I guarantee that if I start some stupid email about caring and in this email tell people to send it to everyone they care about; within a couple of months, I'd receive the email back with hundreds of people's email addresses included.

Another problem that the having your email address spread all over the world is viruses. There are a great many viruses that search through your computer for email addresses and send out emails containing the virus to all of those people.

What in God's name are these FW:FW:FW idiots thinking? Do people really think that these emails are wonderful to receive? Is it really so nice to know that someone cared enough about you to click forward, add your email address to the hundred others in their address list and press send? I am sure that these idiots were thinking of you as they took 5 seconds out of their busy day to forward some stupid "You Know You Were Born In The 70s When..." email to you and 100 other people. I have news for you... YOU KNOW YOU WERE BORN IN THE 70s IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS BETWEEN 1970 AND 1979!

I HATE PEOPLE!

Babies.

Babies! Babies! Babies!

I hate people with babies (I don't hate the babies themselves because they aren't people yet)!

I shouldn't say that I hate everyone with babies because not all people are the same. If you care to find out what I hate about people with babies, keep reading. If you don't care, then F%*$ Off and go somewhere else!

1. Baby pictures. Why is it that people with babies always think that you want to see 1000 different pictures of the babies in different outfits? I wouldn't mind seeing "A" picture, but don't bring an album to my house... and if the baby is with you, why do I need to see pictures? And to all you parents who think that your baby is the most beautiful in the world, I've got news for you. BABIES ALL LOOK THE SAME! Yes, there are some variations, but they are all wrinkly, goony looking, crying, puking, pooping little lumps! You can't be sure what they will look like until they get a little bigger.

2. "You've got to see the baby" - Why do I have to see the baby? They all look pretty much the same and I'm sure that the person telling me that I have to see the baby has already sent me dozens of pictures of it, so I ask again; why do I have to see the baby?

3. "I just had a baby and I haven't yet lost the baby fat" - You can only use this excuse for so long. After about 3 months, that is no longer an excuse. I've known people who talk about just having a baby and the baby fat when the child is over a year old. And what about those who were fat before they had the baby? I have news for you, that is NOT baby fat. That is fat fat, unless you just ate a baby, in which case you may call it baby fat.

4. "Everyone decided to have a baby just because I had one" - Do you know how many times I've heard this? Most of the time the people who are saying this decided to get preggers because an EX boyfriend just had a baby. Get a life, the whole world doesn't revolve around you and your baby!

5. "Having a baby will bring me close together with my mate" - Are you kidding me? So what you are thinking is... Having no sleep, no sex, no money, and no free time is going to bring you closer together??? I have no idea where this idea came from.

6. Baby talk. Oh my fricking God!!! There is nothing worse than baby talk, especially when it is to a child 2 or older. That's a great way to teach the kid how to speak properly (besides, you sound like an idiot).

7. Discipline. Do you know how many times I have had a toddler at my house throw something and break it, or dent my walls or floors? And what do the parents say? "OOhhhhhh isn't that cute" or "Now, now don't throw things". I hate it when I have to chase babies around my house because the parents don't give a damn what the child destroys. IF YOU CAN'T WATCH YOUR BABY LEAVE IT THE HELL HOME!!!

8. "Hold the baby" - If I wanted to hold your God damned kid, I'd ask to. Don't drop the damn thing on me just because you don't want to entertain it! -- Maybe that was a bit harsh, but you get the picture.

9. "Let the baby cry, eventually it will stop" - Normally, I really like this idea. After all, people who coddle their child too much annoy me. They cry all of the time because you will pick them up every time they make a sound - if it is bed time, let them cry themselves to sleep. The time that I really hate this idea is at my house. It is not my baby and I don't care to listen to it wail. Pick that baby up and walk with it you lazy piece of work!

10. Too much coddling. I kind of explained this above, but geez, don't spoil the kid. There is a fine line between being loving and spoiling. Do you really want to deal with a spoiled kid later in life? When you say NO, mean it and don't just let the baby do what you told them not to (Note: when I say baby, I mean toddler as well)

11. When someone says to my wife... "lets go somewhere, your husband will watch my baby" - I am NOT your babysitter and you couldn't pay me enough to be your babysitter. Just because I am home, doesn't mean I want to watch a baby. If you want me to, don't ask my wife, ask me!

12. "I just had a baby" - No one cares! It happens every day! Why would a stranger at a yard sale, or someone walking up the street with a stroller care that you had a baby. Congratulations, it is a baby, now get over yourself! I was constipated and had a big crap today. I am happy about this, but I'm sure that not everyone cares to know this information (least of all strangers).

13. "You aren't busy so you can watch my baby while I have fun" - NO I CAN'T! You had the baby, you watch the baby!

14. "My baby is a good baby; don't you think it is a good baby?" - If you don't want the answer to a question, don't ask it! There is no such thing as a good or bad baby, it is all a matter of how annoying is the child. The scale goes from ANNOYING to GET THAT DAMN THING AWAY FROM ME! All babies are annoying.

I hope by now you have an idea why I hate people with babies.

I Hate People

Why is it that no-one in this town knows how to drive!?!

Yet another reason why I HATE PEOPLE!!!

In a town where people stop for green lights, and run red, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that merging is completely out of the question. The two merge lanes that piss me off more than anything (mostly because I use them every day) are located coming onto a busy highway and coming off of a bridge.

You would think that merging onto a double lane highway would be easy, and it should be. Unfortunately, the far lane in this case is a turning lane and there are lights a short distance ahead. On this wonderfully designed highway, the traffic in the turning lane gets backed up for quite a distance. Rather than signalling, merging onto the highway, and merging into the turning lane, the geniuses in my town stop in the merging lane and drive the wrong way up the highway to get to the back of the line of traffic that is trying to turn. While this is very dangerous and is a huge problem, we also have idiots (I am included in this group) that drive on the shoulder to pass the idiots who don't know how to merge. Much of this problem is caused by even bigger idiots who won't allow you to merge into their lane for fear that you might reach your destination 5 seconds before they do. It seems like rather adolescent behaviour. "You can't butt in front of me!!!" -- Morons! You might think that creating a double turn lane on this highway would shorten the line-up in the turn lane and thus eliminate the problem. You would be wrong! If the drivers of this city cannot even figure out the concept of merging, how would they ever figure out the mind boggling, inconceivable concept of the double turning lane? Cars would be running into each other, driving on the sidewalks and turning every which way... IT WOULD BE ANARCHY!

As for the merge lane off the bridge, this attaches to both an off ramp and an on ramp. It should be easy enough to continue at a normal speed when leaving the bridge, signal and merge into your lane (which is also a two lane, one way street BTW). Apparently though, it is impossible to merge here. The cars come to a complete stop, back up traffic and wait until it is completely clear to "gun it" into the moving traffic. I can't completely blame the morons in the stopped cars for stopping (although most of the blame lies there), because the cars merging into the on ramp speed and cut off anyone who is trying to come off the bridge (because god knows that cutting in front of someone leaving a lane will get you where you are going faster than merging in behind them).

Although these places piss me off, there is one place in town that really amazes me. Recently, they changed the traffic pattern in front of one of the malls (Zellers Mall). They now have a lane which comes out of the parking lot directly onto the main street. This lane is not a merge lane at all, it is just a single lane that can be used to leave the mall area (a short way up the road, this lane becomes a right turning lane). There are no yield signs, no stop signs, no signs whatsoever. People still stop and wait for the traffic to be clear before continuing in their own lane. Once again, I can say that this is not completely the fault of the idiots leaving the mall. There are a great many other bigger idiots that think that the turning lane is theirs and the people coming out of the mall can go to Hell. They speed through and swerve into that lane as though they were Mario Andretti.

Man, do I ever hate people!!!