Babies.
Babies! Babies! Babies!
I hate people with babies (I don't hate the babies themselves because they aren't people yet)!
I shouldn't say that I hate everyone with babies because not all people are the same. If you care to find out what I hate about people with babies, keep reading. If you don't care, then F%*$ Off and go somewhere else!
1. Baby pictures. Why is it that people with babies always think that you want to see 1000 different pictures of the babies in different outfits? I wouldn't mind seeing "A" picture, but don't bring an album to my house... and if the baby is with you, why do I need to see pictures? And to all you parents who think that your baby is the most beautiful in the world, I've got news for you. BABIES ALL LOOK THE SAME! Yes, there are some variations, but they are all wrinkly, goony looking, crying, puking, pooping little lumps! You can't be sure what they will look like until they get a little bigger.
2. "You've got to see the baby" - Why do I have to see the baby? They all look pretty much the same and I'm sure that the person telling me that I have to see the baby has already sent me dozens of pictures of it, so I ask again; why do I have to see the baby?
3. "I just had a baby and I haven't yet lost the baby fat" - You can only use this excuse for so long. After about 3 months, that is no longer an excuse. I've known people who talk about just having a baby and the baby fat when the child is over a year old. And what about those who were fat before they had the baby? I have news for you, that is NOT baby fat. That is fat fat, unless you just ate a baby, in which case you may call it baby fat.
4. "Everyone decided to have a baby just because I had one" - Do you know how many times I've heard this? Most of the time the people who are saying this decided to get preggers because an EX boyfriend just had a baby. Get a life, the whole world doesn't revolve around you and your baby!
5. "Having a baby will bring me close together with my mate" - Are you kidding me? So what you are thinking is... Having no sleep, no sex, no money, and no free time is going to bring you closer together??? I have no idea where this idea came from.
6. Baby talk. Oh my fricking God!!! There is nothing worse than baby talk, especially when it is to a child 2 or older. That's a great way to teach the kid how to speak properly (besides, you sound like an idiot).
7. Discipline. Do you know how many times I have had a toddler at my house throw something and break it, or dent my walls or floors? And what do the parents say? "OOhhhhhh isn't that cute" or "Now, now don't throw things". I hate it when I have to chase babies around my house because the parents don't give a damn what the child destroys. IF YOU CAN'T WATCH YOUR BABY LEAVE IT THE HELL HOME!!!
8. "Hold the baby" - If I wanted to hold your God damned kid, I'd ask to. Don't drop the damn thing on me just because you don't want to entertain it! -- Maybe that was a bit harsh, but you get the picture.
9. "Let the baby cry, eventually it will stop" - Normally, I really like this idea. After all, people who coddle their child too much annoy me. They cry all of the time because you will pick them up every time they make a sound - if it is bed time, let them cry themselves to sleep. The time that I really hate this idea is at my house. It is not my baby and I don't care to listen to it wail. Pick that baby up and walk with it you lazy piece of work!
10. Too much coddling. I kind of explained this above, but geez, don't spoil the kid. There is a fine line between being loving and spoiling. Do you really want to deal with a spoiled kid later in life? When you say NO, mean it and don't just let the baby do what you told them not to (Note: when I say baby, I mean toddler as well)
11. When someone says to my wife... "lets go somewhere, your husband will watch my baby" - I am NOT your babysitter and you couldn't pay me enough to be your babysitter. Just because I am home, doesn't mean I want to watch a baby. If you want me to, don't ask my wife, ask me!
12. "I just had a baby" - No one cares! It happens every day! Why would a stranger at a yard sale, or someone walking up the street with a stroller care that you had a baby. Congratulations, it is a baby, now get over yourself! I was constipated and had a big crap today. I am happy about this, but I'm sure that not everyone cares to know this information (least of all strangers).
13. "You aren't busy so you can watch my baby while I have fun" - NO I CAN'T! You had the baby, you watch the baby!
14. "My baby is a good baby; don't you think it is a good baby?" - If you don't want the answer to a question, don't ask it! There is no such thing as a good or bad baby, it is all a matter of how annoying is the child. The scale goes from ANNOYING to GET THAT DAMN THING AWAY FROM ME! All babies are annoying.
I hope by now you have an idea why I hate people with babies.
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4 comments:
You are killing me with this post!!!! I nearly died laughing. This is sooooo true. Now of course not everybody who has a baby is like this but there are many who are and that's what makes it so funny. My friend would accost people in the street and begin volunteering information about her baby to complete strangers. They would look at her like she had three heads and meanwhile I'd be so embarassed that I would wish the sidewalk would open up and eat me right there on the spot.
Sometimes it does actually take a year for the weight to slip away after having a baby but that same friend would tell people she just had a baby when in actual fact the child is going on three years old! I told her when the child graduates from high school she'll have to come up with a new excuse. It is pretty bad when you have so many pictures of other people's kids (not even a neice or nephew) that you cannot fit a picture of your own kids on the fridge.
I love getting pics of my neices and nephews because I don't see them very often and it's nice to have pictures of them around but if I start getting a handful at a time every other week it becomes ridiculous.
The most annoying pictures are the ones where the parents dress their kids up in Fairy, bumblebee and other stupid costumes and pay some idiot to take pictures of them like Ann Gedes or something. Her pictures are stupid and so are yours!!!!!
Another annoying picture is that group of pics that a parent is so proud of with close ups of feet, hands, belly buttons, etc! The first one to do this was artistic the rest of you who have copied this have ruined it. It is now done by every hack in every Sears and Walmart across the land!!!
Well I am pretty sure that anyone in my family who reads this blog with refrain from sending pictures this year so no more goonie, gummy smiles on my fridge this Christmas.
If you are actually trying to lose the weight you gained when you had the baby, it should not take a year. And half of these people who complain about the weight they gained when pregnant gained it because they ate like pigs. "Eating for 2" doesn't mean that you should eat nothing but pie and fried cheese.
Oh, I am not bitter in the least. I just hate people (hence the name of the blog).
I am actually one of the happiest people around. I love life, I just hate people. I have the most wonderful wife I could ask for, two healthy, intelligent children, a great job... what's not to love. People, however, drive me nuts. This is a great avenue for venting.
I also think that I am not the only one who is driven crazy by the things that I write in my blog. I hope that people will perhaps read it and think a little more before they do annoying things.
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