Dearest Sister-In-Law,

After reading through the reasons why I love you, I was inspired to write my next blog. In case you are wondering... yes, this blog IS partially about you, but even you cannot take credit for the entire blog entry. This one describes why...

I HATE BAD HOUSEGUESTS!!!

At the back door of my home, I have a door mat that says "How Can We Miss You If You Won't Go Away". This is certainly the feeling behind this blog entry. Since it is so close to Easter, I thought I'd list some houseguest commandments. Don't worry, Jesus died for your sins, so God will forgive you (your host/hostess may not, but at least you have God)

1. Thou shalt not leave thy dirty clothing all over the house. While staying at someone's house, it is common courtesy to keep your s#%t tidy.

2. Thou shalt not covet thy host/hostess' liquor. Even if they offer you a drink, to drink the entire liquor cabinet is not the best of ideas (besides, blowing chunks all over thy host's yard, house, dog (sorry, I guess it was me that puked on the dog) is not the best way to make a good impression).

3. Put on thy boots and get the hell out before thou overstayeth thy welcome. Some guests are a pleasure to have, but even the best of guests has to know when to leave. Remember the door mat... I can remember having a house guest that just wouldn't leave. He was like Chester and I was Spike (Remember the big bulldog from The Bugs Bunny show and the little terrier that followed him around and constantly made foolish suggestions and comments about what they were going to do -- Spike is a burly, grey bulldog who wears a red sweater, a brown bowler hat, and a perpetual scowl. Chester is just the opposite, small and jumpy with yellow fur and brown, perky ears. They always seem to be going after Sylvester). I can remember when he first started coming to my apartment, I used to have to lead him to the door and tell him I was going to bed. All the while, he would be saying "wanna have another drink? How bout a smoke? wanna do something?". Eventually I started telling him that I was going to bed and I'd leave him in the living room, usually with my roommate (I know, I wasn't being a very good roommate. But in my defence, he was friends with the guy too. I will have to discuss bad roommates later.)

4. Keep an eye on thy children. It ain't the host/hostess' job to chase your dirty little bas#@^ds! Keep them out of s#$t!

5. Clean up after thy self/thy children. Why should it be up to someone else to clean up after you and your rug-rats?

6. Thou shalt not Smoke cigarettes, cigars, dope, etc. in thy host/hostess' home unless they art doing it first. These days, even asking to smoke in the house is rather ignorant.

7. Thy toiletries should stay with thy luggage. Spreading thy toiletries all over the bathroom is a definite no-no.

8. Thou shalt not berate thy host/hostess. Calling thy host an a$$hole and thy hostess a slut is not a good way to be invited back (even if you are family).

9. Picking large pieces of skin off of thy disgusting feet and putting it on the kitchen table shalt NOT be done. I would have made this the first commandment, but it really should go without saying. Apparently, however, it does not.

10. Thou shalt not take control of the TV remote, especially if thy host/hostess are watching a show and they leave the room for a short time (to the bathroom, kitchen, etc.).

11. F#$king thy boyfriend/girlfriend on thy host/hostess' couch, guest bed or even in thy host/hostess' own bed (yes... it has happened) is right out.

12. Inviting thy self and thy boyfriend to stay the night by drinking too much to drive home and telling them that thou art too drunk to move thy car into the driveway and asking thy hosts to move it for thou ...(breathe...) shalt not be done. Call a f#$king cab and get thy car the next morning.

13. Thou shalt not rummage through thy host/hostess' fridge/cupboards unless thou art told to by thy host/hostess.

14. Thou shalt not complain about the state of thy host/hostess' house, about the food thou art being fed or about anything related to thy host/hosess while thou art sleeping under thy host/hostess' roof for free.

15. Whilst staying for a prolonged period of time thou shalt offer to help with dishes and/or preparation of meals.

16. Thou shalt not expect to be entertained by thy host/hostess every second of the day whilst staying for a prolonged period (more than a couple of days).

17. Thou shalt not expect thy host/hostsess' vehicle to become thy vehicle or thy host/hostess to become thy own personal chauffeur.

18. Thou shalt sayeth goodbye to thy host/hostess and thanketh them for their hospitality even if thou bear witness to thy host's unattractive roommate's girlfriend prancing about the house naked in the middle of the night.

19. Thou shalt closeth and locketh the bathroom door when thou taketh a piss (and washeth thy hands when thou art finished).

20. Thou shalt not suggest ordering out for food unless thou art willing and able to payeth thy share of the food bill.

21. Thou shalt not drool into thy hostess' mouth whilst playing "The Simpson's -- Loser Takes All"

That is all for today. When I find the next stone tablet containing more houseguest commandments, I will post them forth with.