Well, well...

I had a wonderful experience over the last few days. This experience has led me to the conclusion that I HATE EVERYONE INVOLVED WITH BOWEL CANCER TESTS!!!

In one of my previous posts (about those lovely sausage fingers), I mentioned that my next test involved a barium enema. I really had no idea what to expect when I received the appointment for this LOVELY procedure, but boy did I find out!

It all started on Monday. My appointment sheet from the hospital said that I had to go in 2 days early for a preparation kit. I figured that it would simply contain instructions that I was to fast overnight and tell me the times I needed to arrive at the hospital for my procedure. I guess I was partially right...

Monday after work, I left work on the way to pick up my children from their after-school program and brought them home. I arrived home to find my wife preparing a lovely ham supper, and boy was I happy as the last meal I had consisted of a breakfast bar and water at noon that day. I left the house and rushed to the hospital to pick up the instructions for the test. When I got there, I was given 2 bottles of laxative and I was told that I should not have had anything to eat or drink since 3:00 that day. I was also told that I could not eat anything until Wednesday after the test. Wonderful... My last meal was a dry breakfast bar and a glass of water AND I get to return home to the smell of ham and homemade cheesy potatoes.

When I arrived home, I had to immediately take my first dose of what I now refer to as Colon Blow. Given the choice of drinking the laxative straight or diluting it and prolonging my suffering, I chose to shoot it like alcohol. I figured that if I could drink tequila or scotch from a shot glass, this couldn't possible be worse...

WRONG AGAIN!

On the label, the flavour is described as lemon-ginger... yummy. So, I took the vile liquid in a small glass and choked it back. Mmmmmm... It was definitely the most wonderful flavour I have ever tasted. It had the texture and flavour of a mixture of cooking oil, raw egg whites and lemon Eno tablets to add flavour and fizz. Yes, it was a whole glass of fizzy, thick, slimy, oily fun and I still had another dose to take the next day.

Now, I have had the s#%ts before, but I don't think I have ever experienced the type of s#%ts I was about to experience! Imagine filling a Ketchup bottle with cooking oil. Then poke a hole about twice the size of a darning needle in the bottle. Then for the next 12 hours, pick up the bottle every 20 minutes, turn it upside-down and try to run to the bathroom (using only your legs from the knees down) without spilling the oil. Then, when you get there, squeeze the bottle as hard as you can for as long as you can. I am sure that you can imagine how raw and chaffed you can get when you go through 2 double rolls of TP in one night.

So... I got about an hour of sleep first night due to the fact that I had a terrible cold and, well, the whole s#%tting thing. I actually went to work the next day. After work, I was very excited to get back home and take my next dose of the old Rectum Rumble.

The second night was much like the first, except I was actually able to get a little sleep (I guess I wasn't as full of s#%t the second night as I was the first).

In my next blog, I will discuss the actual barium enema procedure. Once again, it wasn't what I expected... It was much worse!