I HATE doctors with big sausage fingers!!!
I recently experienced a violation that I never thought I'd ever have the misfortune to experience.
Let me explain...
Earlier this week I went to my family doctor to talk about some digestive issues that I was having. I figured that I'd walk into the office, discuss what could be the cause of these problems, perhaps discuss possible tests I should have in order to rule out Cancer or other serious problems.
What I wasn't prepared for is my doctor saying "drop your pants and I'll have a look in your back end"!!! Boy, talk about an ice breaker! Now my doctor has probably the worst bedside manner of any doctor I've ever met (he would readily admit to this), so I've learned to expect him to say some unexpected things...but this just blew me away!
The next words out of his mouth were "drop your drawers, lay on your side and I'll go get my flashlight"! I felt like I was being put up on the hoist for some body work. So away he went to find his Mag Light or what ever the hell else he planned on torturing me with.
There I lay... pants around my ankles, bare-assed waiting for what seemed like hours for the doctor to come back do God knows what to me. Well... I wasn't sure what he was going to do, but I had an idea. If my pants weren't around my ankles, I would have bolted out of there like a stick of dynamite was up my ass. Which, for all I knew , is what my doctor had planned.
So finally, the doctor arrives and tells me he's going to have a look. He asks me how my kids are doing. As I said fine, I heard a high pitched squeal. I quickly realized it was me as he slid a long plastic tube into my nether-regions. He then proceeded to pump air into me like I was his inflatable date for the evening. After what seemed like an eternity of being prodded with this tube, and learning everything looked normal, he removed the tube and I breathed a sigh of relief... for a moment!
The next sensation I felt was a large, gloved finger being forcefully inserted into my arse end. If this wasn't bad enough, he inserted it so far, I figured he must be wearing a pair of those dish washing gloves. From the way he was searching around in there, I thought he must have lost his watch up there and was trying to get it back.
After the doctor finished sodomizing me, I waddled home with the lovely thought that my next test involves a barium enema! F*#k!!!
Friday, December 22, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Apparently my blog has been causing some people to lose sleep over what I think of them. I find it rather funny that anyone would take what they percieve my opinions of them to be and get their panties in a bunch over them.
I also find it amusing that anyone in their right mind (sanity, or lack there of certainly comes into play here) would take my blog and believe that I am writing solely about them or to even think that I truely HATE people with the attributes I describe in my blog. I don't have the time nor the energy to hate anyone. If I did hate everyone who does the things described in this blog, I would most certainly hate myself because I've been guilty of doing some of the things that I describe in my blog. -- and by the way... I love myself!
If you read my blog and take offense to it, then you have a serious problem and should be on medication.
This is a satirical view of life.
To think that I am sitting at my computer fuming about all of the people in the world I hate is completely absurd. I may use some of the things people in my life do as an example of people's quirks, but that doesn't mean that they are the only ones who do it nor am I trying to single out a person and say to them "I HATE YOU!".
As for my sister-in-law, she went off the deep end when she read my blog. Rather than acting like a rational person and perhaps asking me about the blog, or taking it the way it was meant, she took every entry as a personal attack.
Sending out vicious emails (to people not involved in the writing of the blog), calling daddy and making his life more difficult, making nasty comments about her niece and nephew and posting nasty remarks online was her response to this percieved attack. Apparently a half assed appology for a single remark posted on my blog is supposed to "fix" everything.
This is what promped the "I love my sister-in-law" entries (she wanted a blog dedicated to her, so she got one). I will never apologise for the original blog entries as there was no malice intended when writing them (if you cannot laugh at yourself, then you are a sad, sad person).
As for the "sister-in-law" entries; If you can't handle people writing "nasty" thing about you, perhaps you should think twice before sending an email... besides, my blog was about why I love my sister-in-law. Can't you just feel the love?
So in closing, I will continue to find HATE in everything I do. If you don't want to read about stupid things people do, or you are going to take everything personally then you should just take a little trip to F#@*offityville and not read it!
I also find it amusing that anyone in their right mind (sanity, or lack there of certainly comes into play here) would take my blog and believe that I am writing solely about them or to even think that I truely HATE people with the attributes I describe in my blog. I don't have the time nor the energy to hate anyone. If I did hate everyone who does the things described in this blog, I would most certainly hate myself because I've been guilty of doing some of the things that I describe in my blog. -- and by the way... I love myself!
If you read my blog and take offense to it, then you have a serious problem and should be on medication.
This is a satirical view of life.
To think that I am sitting at my computer fuming about all of the people in the world I hate is completely absurd. I may use some of the things people in my life do as an example of people's quirks, but that doesn't mean that they are the only ones who do it nor am I trying to single out a person and say to them "I HATE YOU!".
As for my sister-in-law, she went off the deep end when she read my blog. Rather than acting like a rational person and perhaps asking me about the blog, or taking it the way it was meant, she took every entry as a personal attack.
Sending out vicious emails (to people not involved in the writing of the blog), calling daddy and making his life more difficult, making nasty comments about her niece and nephew and posting nasty remarks online was her response to this percieved attack. Apparently a half assed appology for a single remark posted on my blog is supposed to "fix" everything.
This is what promped the "I love my sister-in-law" entries (she wanted a blog dedicated to her, so she got one). I will never apologise for the original blog entries as there was no malice intended when writing them (if you cannot laugh at yourself, then you are a sad, sad person).
As for the "sister-in-law" entries; If you can't handle people writing "nasty" thing about you, perhaps you should think twice before sending an email... besides, my blog was about why I love my sister-in-law. Can't you just feel the love?
So in closing, I will continue to find HATE in everything I do. If you don't want to read about stupid things people do, or you are going to take everything personally then you should just take a little trip to F#@*offityville and not read it!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
I loooove my sister-in-law part deux
After receiving the warmest Christmas wishes from my sister-in-law, I believe that I should add to my list. I think I need to start at 22...
22. I love her because she is so pious that she believes that immaculate conception can happen to anyone. She has faith that a man (who is not God, but would like to be called by that name) can impregnate a woman sans intercourse. Oh how pious she is!
23. I love her because she takes the loss of family members so well, that after the loss of one, she works towards losing a second.
24. I love her because she is flat out FUN! She loves to socialize and have lots of fun. She has such a happy-go-lucky attitude.
25. I love her because she lives her own life. She would never let her ex-husband's happiness have an effect on her life. She surely wouldn't get pregnant a few weeks after hearing of the birth of her ex-husband's baby. She has nothing to prove to him.
26. I love her because she cares enough for me and about what I think to read my blog.
27. I love her because she cheers me up with her warm wishes of love.
28. I love her because she lives by the motto - DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO! It is good that she doesn't want to be treated as well as she treats others. I don't think it is possible to treat anyone so nicely.
29. I love her because she exemplifies the meaning of Christmas. The season is about giving, sharing and LOVE. I don't know anyone more loving and caring than she.
30. I love her because of her innocence. When she learned that Alberta was the "Land of Milk and Honey", she jumped at the opportunity to go there. I guess she was hungry and thirsty that day.
31. I love her because she is full of wit. She would never use vulgarities. When she is upset, she talks things out rationally and never lets things get out of hand.
Boy do I ever love my sister-in-law my next entry might just have to be -- I loooove my sister-in-law part troissss
After receiving the warmest Christmas wishes from my sister-in-law, I believe that I should add to my list. I think I need to start at 22...
22. I love her because she is so pious that she believes that immaculate conception can happen to anyone. She has faith that a man (who is not God, but would like to be called by that name) can impregnate a woman sans intercourse. Oh how pious she is!
23. I love her because she takes the loss of family members so well, that after the loss of one, she works towards losing a second.
24. I love her because she is flat out FUN! She loves to socialize and have lots of fun. She has such a happy-go-lucky attitude.
25. I love her because she lives her own life. She would never let her ex-husband's happiness have an effect on her life. She surely wouldn't get pregnant a few weeks after hearing of the birth of her ex-husband's baby. She has nothing to prove to him.
26. I love her because she cares enough for me and about what I think to read my blog.
27. I love her because she cheers me up with her warm wishes of love.
28. I love her because she lives by the motto - DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO! It is good that she doesn't want to be treated as well as she treats others. I don't think it is possible to treat anyone so nicely.
29. I love her because she exemplifies the meaning of Christmas. The season is about giving, sharing and LOVE. I don't know anyone more loving and caring than she.
30. I love her because of her innocence. When she learned that Alberta was the "Land of Milk and Honey", she jumped at the opportunity to go there. I guess she was hungry and thirsty that day.
31. I love her because she is full of wit. She would never use vulgarities. When she is upset, she talks things out rationally and never lets things get out of hand.
Boy do I ever love my sister-in-law my next entry might just have to be -- I loooove my sister-in-law part troissss
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
I loooooove my sister in law.
I just thought I'd change the pace of my blog a little and wish my loving sister-in-law a great big Merry Christmas. Here is my new list for the day... Why I love my sister-in-law!
1. I love her because criticism of me is always constructive and when I point out the fact that her "man" is doing many of the things she, very constructively, criticizes me about, she takes it all in stride. I know that she just wants to help me become a better human being.
2. I love her because she ALWAYS treats everyone with respect. She is by far the most pleasant person I know.
3. I love her because she would NEVER overreact to any situation.
4. I love her because she uses email ever so responsibly. Never spamming and only sending her warmest wishes to everyone in her mailing list.
5. I love her because she is so loving toward her nieces and nephews. She would NEVER say anything negative about an innocent child.
6. I love her because she is considerate. When asked to place diapers in a bag and put them in the outside garbage, she does it without hesitation. When politely asked to stop spamming a person's mail box, she is only happy to oblige.
7. I love her because she would never use someone's death as a weapon. She would never bring up something that a person who has passed away may have said that would be hurtful because it may have been taken out of context and no-one would be able to discuss with that person what was said and why. She knows that a person's death is hard on everyone involved and she'd never make things worse.
8. I love her because she has a great imagination. She is able to take reality and make it suit whatever needs she has at the time, what a wonderful quality.
9. I love her because she is always right. I never met someone who was always right before I met her. Now without a doubt, I can live a full life.
10. I love her because she sees herself in everything -- she is every woman. I can make a post (about babies for instance) in which 2 of the 22 comments may be directed solely at her and she sees herself in every single comment.
11. I love her because she has a fantastic memory. If there is anything in your past that you forgot (or would like to forget), she'll bring it up and even add some of her imaginative twists to the story.
12. I love her because she has opinions about things and situations she knows nothing of (...I forgot, she knows everything). It is nice that she has taken such an interest in my family that she has only met in passing. It is interesting that she has such insight into my dealings with my family. I truly hope that I can learn something from these insights because they don't mirror reality in any way. Perhaps I need some mental help because it seems I have misconstrued many areas of my life.
13. I love her because she is a rock! She is a firm foundation that her family can lean upon when they need help.
14. I love her because she would never do or say anything that would hurt my feelings and believes that I should strive to do the same.
15. I love her because I don't have to tip-toe around her in the fear that I might send her into a ranting rage.
16. I love her because she knows everything that her sister went through during her first few years of university and she was (and continues to be) so supportive.
17. I love her because you can make jokes about her and she NEVER takes it personally.
18. I love her because she has the rosy belief that everyone thinks she is perfect (which , of course she is). As far as I am concerned, anyone who questions her judgement are assholes and deserve to have mean emails sent to them!
19. I love her because her judgement is beyond reproach.
20. I love her because she would never get upset with someone for something they had no part of. Above all, she is fair.
21. But most of all, I love her because she is truly kind. She puts everyone's needs above her own asks for nothing in return. They certainly broke the mould when she was created. She is one of a kind.
I just thought I'd change the pace of my blog a little and wish my loving sister-in-law a great big Merry Christmas. Here is my new list for the day... Why I love my sister-in-law!
1. I love her because criticism of me is always constructive and when I point out the fact that her "man" is doing many of the things she, very constructively, criticizes me about, she takes it all in stride. I know that she just wants to help me become a better human being.
2. I love her because she ALWAYS treats everyone with respect. She is by far the most pleasant person I know.
3. I love her because she would NEVER overreact to any situation.
4. I love her because she uses email ever so responsibly. Never spamming and only sending her warmest wishes to everyone in her mailing list.
5. I love her because she is so loving toward her nieces and nephews. She would NEVER say anything negative about an innocent child.
6. I love her because she is considerate. When asked to place diapers in a bag and put them in the outside garbage, she does it without hesitation. When politely asked to stop spamming a person's mail box, she is only happy to oblige.
7. I love her because she would never use someone's death as a weapon. She would never bring up something that a person who has passed away may have said that would be hurtful because it may have been taken out of context and no-one would be able to discuss with that person what was said and why. She knows that a person's death is hard on everyone involved and she'd never make things worse.
8. I love her because she has a great imagination. She is able to take reality and make it suit whatever needs she has at the time, what a wonderful quality.
9. I love her because she is always right. I never met someone who was always right before I met her. Now without a doubt, I can live a full life.
10. I love her because she sees herself in everything -- she is every woman. I can make a post (about babies for instance) in which 2 of the 22 comments may be directed solely at her and she sees herself in every single comment.
11. I love her because she has a fantastic memory. If there is anything in your past that you forgot (or would like to forget), she'll bring it up and even add some of her imaginative twists to the story.
12. I love her because she has opinions about things and situations she knows nothing of (...I forgot, she knows everything). It is nice that she has taken such an interest in my family that she has only met in passing. It is interesting that she has such insight into my dealings with my family. I truly hope that I can learn something from these insights because they don't mirror reality in any way. Perhaps I need some mental help because it seems I have misconstrued many areas of my life.
13. I love her because she is a rock! She is a firm foundation that her family can lean upon when they need help.
14. I love her because she would never do or say anything that would hurt my feelings and believes that I should strive to do the same.
15. I love her because I don't have to tip-toe around her in the fear that I might send her into a ranting rage.
16. I love her because she knows everything that her sister went through during her first few years of university and she was (and continues to be) so supportive.
17. I love her because you can make jokes about her and she NEVER takes it personally.
18. I love her because she has the rosy belief that everyone thinks she is perfect (which , of course she is). As far as I am concerned, anyone who questions her judgement are assholes and deserve to have mean emails sent to them!
19. I love her because her judgement is beyond reproach.
20. I love her because she would never get upset with someone for something they had no part of. Above all, she is fair.
21. But most of all, I love her because she is truly kind. She puts everyone's needs above her own asks for nothing in return. They certainly broke the mould when she was created. She is one of a kind.
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